Since my birth i never had any good reason to smile and to be happy. There is no one whom I can say that he or she is mine, and I can’t share anything to anyone because there was no one who cares me. Even my parents don’t cares me, I used to go away from home and cried alone thinking someone will come for me and take me back, probably my dad, but no, I wiped my tears myself, I satisfied my heart myself and return home and locked myself in my room. I see around how the parents cares and loves their child, but to me that was a dream. But then also i never blame them.
I never hurt anybody, i never lie to anybody, i never deceive anybody then also i get all these. The thing which i love most goes far from me, first goes my mom, then my friend and then….(you will know later)
i thought that everyone has someone, everybody gets their love one day, and i thought that some day some girl will love me, she will make me forget the pain i have suffered, she will hold me, she will support me, and she will make me complete. Then i started searching for my love, first i tried to find my love in my city then other cities within my country but the one whom i tried to be close those always make my fun and ignored me. Then i realize that to get love you must have something to give her, even if my parents don’t show love to me unless i do anything for them then why an unknown girl will love me?, but i have nothing to give except love, but i have seen some lovers who loved so passionately without any reason, they proved that true love exist and for true love you need just a true heart and nothing else. Then i started looking for love over internet, this might sound insane and nonsense, but i have strong believe that i will find her, because if a guy like me could search love in internet then why not a girl like me? somewhere someone maybe like me and one day i will find her out from millions, no matter how far will be she and how will be she i will reach her and be with her, then i found someone one day.
one day i met a girl in an Emo group, we became friends and then lovers. we started sharing our love. First she made me believe that she is true and won’t lie to me, i believed her totally, and she also assured me that she believes me and trust me, we love each other too much, though we were far, we used to share our feelings and love through messages and phone. she gave me such a love and she care me so much. The way she loved me and the way she cared me that was WOW!!!, i never felt such an exhilarating feelings, she gave me reasons to live, she gave me reason to fight, she gave me such an strength that no one or nothing can make me down, she supported me so much that even if i get failure in my research or studies then also i never felt bad or weak but i worked more in it. she used to call me and send me sms time to time everyday and even i too do that whenever i got credit in my phone. she used to call me whenever she was online and stayed only with me, chatting.
we used to love each others like an angels of love, we were like an romantic lovers as we were the lovers of a love story or movie.
Along with her love some hardest things also appeared, the worries about her, she was far from me and i cannot know how she was, and what she was doing, every time her thoughts killed me, she told me her parents were step and her brothers too, she said no one cared her and loved her there, and then i cannot breath here, i thought if anything hurts her there and if she needs someone to wipe her tears then who will do that, because i am here and i can’t hold her, i never fear anything in my life, i never cared for anything in my life before i met her, but when i met her i fear dying, i fear losing her, i fear if what will i do if i failed because i cannot be with her if i fail in my life, but she made me feel good, she promised hundred times that she won’t leave me, she said if i cannot reach her then she gonna come to me. We were really a soulmate, whenever i was sad and i need her she knew that and she used to call me and ask “Baby are you ok?”, or she appeared online even if she was not suppose to come, and i too knew about her heart. we used to stay whole night in skype on friday and saturday because other days she was in school hostel. i used to sit waiting her to come in skype for 8 hours without leaving my computer for a second. one day when i was drunk i cut my chest to write her name and when i told her that she got so angry and from that day she never slept whole night whenever i was drunk, she worried that if i might not cut myself again, she used to call me whole night and ask me to not to do any such crazy things, every morning she send me message and told me about the dream she had. we dream so many beautiful things together, we planned many things for our life. we used to talk that we gonna tell out love story to our kids when we will turn gray. Those dreams that we envisaged together where so overwhelming, just i could say wow.
And from the day i met her i never ever thought of anything else, i used to think what should i do for her, what should i do to reach her fast, i never want anything in my life for myself, but i want to give everything to her, i want to give her a life of princess. I planned my whole life for her, i planned everything to reach her.
i have seen many peoples living away from their girlfriend or wife for long time, for 5 years or for 10 years but they always waited and i too have same hope, after my bachelor’s degree after 4 years i could go there and stay there with her, for forever. we just have to wait for 4 years maximum. She said she will wait for me for forever, even she said she is planning to come for me after 1 year.
Anyhow anyway i was so so happy to have her though far, no matter if we cannot stay together, no matter if we cannot hold each other in our arms, no matter if we cannot kiss each other, i feel all those just from her words and thoughts, whenever i was talking with her, i forget this whole world and i feel like i am in heaven.
But one day suddenly she said she don’t want to be my girlfriend anymore, she loves another guy, who is from russia, she said he is close to her country Latvia and she needs him, that was the greatest shock in my whole life, i nearly got an heart attack my whole body shuddered, i was nearly dead, but the truth was she left me, i could not sleep, i stay whole night crying, and i could not believe the girl who loved me so much and who had told just told me she loves me more then her life just half and hour ago and after half an hour she told me that , i never did anything wrong nor i hurt her once in that way, though we used to have light fight which was always joke for us, we never had anything wrong between us.
i could not believe that, first for two days i just keep on crying, i didn’t eat anything, i cannot dare to stand and sit, i just keep lying in my bed and crying, then after 3 days i asked her why she loves him, she says she is not good for me, she wants a bad guy, not a guy like me, could you believe it?
i can never ever believe this, a girl who loves me so much could leave me like that,
then i started to think and i remember her each and everything why she leaves me like that, then i felt she might have some mental disorders, because sometime she act so abnormal and speaks so strange, and that makes my heart pound, i thought she have left me because she may think that i will leave her when i knew that or i may not survive it, but i am not like that, i love her truly, if that was truth then i could spend my whole life by her side, i will protect her, i will care her, and i will try each and every thing to give her life, i will put my each and every efforts to bring my Linda back.
but she says she don’t have any such things,
she says i should make another girlfriend, but when she says that it hurts me most, you cannot imagine how it pains to know that your love loves someone, you don’t know how it pains when a girl who calls you “my love” “honey” my angel” called you directly with your name, you don’t know how it makes you cry if the girl who cares you so much now ignore you so much
the words she used when she left me gave me such an intolerable pain that i would rather die then to bear it, but i cannot die, because it won’t make her any sense actually to no one, everybody says i should forget her and move on, but how can i? i am not like other strong guys who could move on so easily, i cannot love any other girl except her, actually my heart loves her so if i have to stop loving her then i have to throw my heart out.
But for her happiness i have to be away from her.
how innocent is she that i know, how lovely girl is she that i know, and that makes me cry, i know one day that guy will live her and she will feel the pain like me, but i can’t see my linda sad, hurt. i can’t see my linda feeling the pain like this. i cannot see even a single drop of tears in her eyes, i don’t want her to be with me, but i want her to the right guy, i want her to be happy for her whole life. And this makes me cry, right now while writing this story the tear are falling in my keyboard of this computer. I am not angry but hurt, how can i be angry with her, i know she is innocent and she don’t know what is right.
i will prove my love one day, no matter how hard i have to do but i will prove my love is true, i will stay my whole life alone, no matter if she loves any other guy or if she marry any other man i won’t do that, i will never love or marry any other girl, i cannot break my promises though she did.
one day i will go to her country and see her face and see if she is happy or not.
This pain will never leave me, her thoughts always haunt me every second, i used to love music so much but now i can’t hear even a single song because the lyrics of these songs reminds me of her and make me cry,
but it is my test, i will love her till i have my last breath. And stay alone for my whole life.
Every body says i am crazy, i am insane, that i love such a girl whom i met in internet, they says love over internet is not true, but how can i confess it, i love her truly and i can’t stop it, love is never done for any reason, it just happens and when it happens it never stop.
But nothing matters to her, whatever i do she never cares me anymore.
But she proved me one thing that, this love and care is not for me, i doesn’t deserve a love, this is my fate, and i will never get love. now my search for love is stopped. I will live with tears and sorrows, but i think i will love this loneliness and enjoy it after few years and i could be happy to myself,
i don’t care if anybody knows my love was true or not, i don’t care if she know that i lived my whole life for her, but my soul and heaven knows that i am true, and while i die at last i could say proudly ” i prove i was true and i loves her truly till end” ……….
Hope you will understand me and won’t call me a insane……………..